Breaking Down the Walls and Getting Rid of the Giants

 I would like to tell you that when your kids turn 18, your parenting will be done and you will all sail off into the happily ever after. But it simply isn't true. In many ways trying to find my way as a parent of young adults has been the most challenging. Trying to balance letting you be adults and make your own decisions and deal with your own consequences with wanting to help you is exhausting. Every day it seems I am questioning what I should do and shouldn't do, what I should say and shouldn't say and having no idea if I making the right choices or not. 

18 was a difficult year for you, Melia and my heart ached for you as you had to walk out some painful consequences. 19 has been the year of the twins. Different than Melia's experience but still very mind bending as we try to find our way. 

Tonight, Sabrina admitted after months of not being herself that she has felt like I favor Melia - that while she knows I love her - I prefer Melia. It was a hard conversation. To hear her perceptions of events and to measure them against my own, tore at my mama's heart. Knowing that in some cases I had tried to do what I thought she wanted putting my own desires aside only to find out that her heart read my choice as indifference. One misunderstanding after another. (One thing I learn for sure... your kids will still need  and want their mom and all she has to say after they turn 18, even though they might act like they don't.)

The enemy capitalized on these hurt feelings and disappointments and moved into the middle of our home - giants of insecurity and frustration settling in and taking over - becoming our new normal. It was horrible and regret listening to the advice that told me to take a step back and wait for my adult children to invite me into their lives - RUBBISH! This behavior deeply hurt Sabrina. While Melia was actively inviting me in to her life, Sabrina was "not" and it left us both feeling hurt and unwanted by the other. 

So my advice to you girlies is never stop talking and NEVER stop being a mom with all the love and hugs and attention your kids need no matter how old they are.  Gather round the table, make everyone set the phones aside, constantly remind your kids of the value of family, the precious gift of good relationships with your siblings and parents and the security and safety of home and commit to always fight for it. Do not let Satan move in and set up shop. Help your children learn how to be vulnerable, and to talk openly about what is bothering them and how to be purposeful in listening. Help them understand the roles different personalities play and talk about strategies to communicate better with one another. 

While I believe we broke down many of the walls that had been built (and I am very happy about that) I am sad that Sabrina spent so long thinking that I some how preferred her less than her sister. It makes my stomach ache and brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. It makes me even more sad to know that Ryanne probably feels the same way. Ryanne I know we have struggled and we have worked on things and struggled some more... I will never give up. I love you every bit as much as I love Melia and Sabrina and I know that God will show us the way to better communication. 

It is impossible to understand a mother's love for her children until you experience for yourself. I know that I make mistakes and blow it, but my desire is always to do the very best for all of you.  I love all of you so much, you are my greatest joy. 

Mom